No podía respirar

Fue una combinación de muchas cosas, de todo.
Fue el ambiente en sí, los alrededores, el clima nublado, la muerte que rodeaba el lugar.
Fue la gente, el llanto, la tristeza, la compañía, el amor.
Fueron mis manos, frías, pero firmes al agarrar la manija a los costados del ataúd, cuya forma y detalles eran reales.
Fue la inclinación de la escalera, pasar por la puerta, las cosas pegadas en la pared, las cruces, las palabras habladas.
Fue una premonición al futuro, haciéndome dar cuenta de que algún día, serían mis propios padres adentro de ese cajón.
Fue el volumen del silencio. ¿Por qué no te estás quejando? Si seguro no estás cómoda ahí adentro, si seguro te moviste involutariamente, si seguro te golpeaste. Siempre te quejabas de todo, por qué no lo hacés ahora?
Fue el ruido de las dudas. ¿Cómo es posible que no estés más? ¿Cómo estabas ahí antes, y ahora no, y no queda más que restos? ¿Dé qué me sirve ahora estar enojado, si ya no hay nada contra qué estarlo? ¿Fue irte tu decisión, o fue algo más allá de vos?

No podía respirar. Aunque mi madre intentó retenerme, tuve que salir rápidamente a donde había aire. Pero el aire estaba muerto y era todo lo mismo, y no lo podía evitar.
Y lloré. Lloré por todo esto, y por más. Lloré porque de alguna manera, tenía que deshacerme de ese odio que sentía, ahora tan inútil. Lloré porque te quise, y sé que vos me quisiste, y nunca nos lo pudimos demostrar. Lloré porque se había terminado, porque no hay vuelta atrás, y ya no hay nada para cambiar. Lloré porque la muerte me miró a la cara y me di cuenta de que es invencible.
Lloré hasta que la tristeza se fue de mi lado, y dejo alivio en su lugar. Finalmente, había podido despedirme, y había entendido la verdad.

Inertia

As I was walking home tonight, I realized this whole day had happened by inertia. I woke up much earlier than I expected to, with bad news coming out of my mother's lips as she stood on the doorway: my grandmother had passed away.
Sobbing, my mother told me the story of how she had come to be aware of the bad news herself. "You always know. When you get a phone call at this kind of hour, you always know what you're about to hear on the other side of the line", she said. But, truth be told, it was a relief, for her and our whole family. My grandmother had been suffering this agony for more than two years and it was time for her to move on, and for her suffering to end. I'm not entirely sure she would agree with me, though, as it was my impression that she was probably scared of giving that last step, or even had some pending affair to complete before doing so. But it seems she gathered all the courage she could, and she did it.
Even though I returned to bed a few minutes after this event, I could not sleep for another two hours. And when I finally entered the world of unconsciousness, I stayed at the doorway, only at a feeble sleep.
After waking up and taking a shower, I greeted my family, who were all sitting at the table in my kitchen, waiting to go to the nearest restaurant for lunch. After much noisy talk, they finally left. It didn't seem like an extraordinary day to them, I thought. That was until I saw my sister later on, who did seem pretty shaken up and quite silent.
The rest of the day went by, as I said, by some sort of inertia. It was like a fuzzy dream, and nothing seemed real. Everything seemed boring, and everything seemed gloomy. Even my glasses felt weird on my face. It was not an ordinary day.
I wasn't expecting feeling like this when I got home that night. My mother was already asleep, and silence was ruling the appartment. But it was strange silence. It was very noticeable. I was very aware of it. A sudden urge to sit on the kitchen floor came over me, and as I did, I submerged myself in that silence. And with that silence, I felt the pain. Deep inside, a mixture of things were going on, a mixture of thoughts were being born and a mixture of feelings were becoming alive. This whole day, however driven by inertia, was suddenly very real. All the pain was surfacing rapidly and there was no stopping it.
And suddenly, I felt it. And smelled it. Death had been in this home today. It's not the first time it had visited the premises, but it was the first time it had made it's presence felt. It had left its particles in the air, and all over the place. There was no room that was not impregnated by it's scent, it's silence, and it's awareness. The sadness that came up as a result was mortifying. It was a sadness that could not be ignored. It was a sadness that was walking hand in hand with emptiness. It was an uninvited guest that had decided to inflict it's presence anyway, however unwanted. And right now, she's sitting right next to me, hugging me, even though I'm struggling to get rid of her.
She probably won't stay that long. We all know she is like a sister to Death. She follows Death around, and Death has already left. Fortunately, Death sometimes takes something with it we will have no more use for. In my case, Death took my anger and hatred away. I truly cannot feel them anymore. And, once sadness leaves, my goodbyes will have been said.

Heath Ledger - R.I.P

Ledger was found dead in his fourth floor apartment at 421 Broome Street in the SoHo neighborhood of New York City on January 22, 2008. Ledger's body was found at 3:26 p.m. EST by a housekeeper and a massage therapist, who entered the bedroom to find him face down, naked, and unconscious at the foot of his bed with sleeping pills on a nearby night table. Police said that they also found prescription medication in the bathroom and that there were "no obvious signs" of suicide, nor did they suspect foul play.

On January 23, 2008 Ledger's parents and sister appeared outside Ledger's mother's house in Applecross, Western Australia and read a short statement to the media.

“We, Heath's family, confirm the very tragic, untimely and accidental passing of our dearly loved son, brother and doting father of Matilda, who was found in a peaceful sleep in his New York apartment by his housekeeper at 3:30pm [New York Time]. We would like to thank our friends and everyone around the world for their kind wishes at this time. Heath has touched so many people on so many different levels during his short life, but few had the pleasure to truly know him. He was a down-to-earth, generous, kind-hearted, life-loving and unselfish individual who was an extreme inspiration to many. Please now respect our family's need to grieve and come to terms with our loss privately."

In reaction to his death, former partner Michelle Williams was reported as saying that she was "devastated" at the loss and had boarded a plane to New York City. Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd released a statement saying, "It was with great sadness that I have learned of the passing of Heath Ledger... It is tragic that we have lost one of our nation's finest actors in the prime of his life."


More info / Más información:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heath_ledger
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7203797.stm
http://www.theage.com.au/news/people/police-confirm-sleeping-pills-near-bed/2008/01/23/1201024937306.html
http://buscador.lanacion.com.ar/Nota.asp?nota_id=981157&high=heath
http://buscador.lanacion.com.ar/Nota.asp?nota_id=981129&high=heath
http://buscador.lanacion.com.ar/Nota.asp?nota_id=981129&high=heath


**
Me ACABO de enterar. Y no lo puedo creer... I mean, siempre me pareció un actorazo, incluso antes de Brokeback Mountain. No entiendo esto de la muerte todavía, creo. Un minuto está ahí, y al siguiente no, y es sólo un cuerpo, y no hay vida, ni nada que tenga que ver con la vida, ni amor, ni dolor, ni... nada. Sé que la única forma en la que conocí a esta persona fue por medio de sus roles en películas, pero me cuesta entender. Realmente, me sorprendió mucho, y no en una buena manera. Y además, el escrutiño de los demás, todos tratando de descubrir POR QUÉ. ¿Y por qué es importante? Ya no está más, ¿por qué te importan las razones por las cuales no está? Lo peor es que era una muerte inesperada, porque si me decís que el pibe tenía 85... bueno, como que lo ves venir... pero qué tenía... 28? Y una hija, encima.
La foto, es de una de sus últimas películas, The Dark Knight. La nueva de Batman, donde actúa de nada más ni nada menos que Joker. La primer película donde lo vi fue 10 Things I Hate About You, y me acuerdo lo mucho que me gustó su actuación.
Y las otras películas que vi con él (Sin Eater, Brokeback Mountain) me parecieron mejores aún, en cuanto a su actuación.Supongo que a esta altura, sí se puede decir que al menos no es una persona que no haya trascendido. Por lo menos por mi parte, yo siempre lo voy a recordar como un actorazo.

Rest in peace, Heath. I think you deserve it.